The D Word: Reflections on the Stigma of Divorce

Divorce. Such a stigmatized word...and such a misunderstood relationship status update, isn’t it?  I think many, if not most, people associate divorce with failure.  I know I did at one time.

My parents remained married until my father passed away…four decades of a life I still think would’ve been better spent separately. I think my dad thought he would be failing me if he left his marriage.  As for me, I certainly didn’t plan on becoming a single-parent statistic.  I thought that I would keep things together at all cost……because I didn’t want to fail at marriage.  

The only thing I was failing at though…was failing to understand that I wasn’t losing at anything….because divorce, in most cases, does not equate to failure. It’s not a game.  It’s simply a diverging of a road….and we are all handed different maps with which to navigate through life.

That’s all.

It’s always interesting to observe people’s reactions who haven’t seen me since before the divorce. Or the reactions of people who find out I am a divorcee.  Some people don’t bat an eye, others seem concerned, and yet others try to not act awkward around me.  Actually quite similar to the reactions one gets when there is a death in the family. 

I guess it’s still something so misunderstood that some people get very uncomfortable when faced with the reality of it. Like they don’t know what to say because they don’t want to offend me.

People who have been through divorce themselves are different…they get it and it’s no big deal. Then there are the select few who find it very empowering and tell me how brave I am and congratulate me for the courage.  I appreciate all of the above, because I appreciate how many guises human emotions and reactions can take on.

All normal. All just different. 

However….I just want to be able to let the people who feel uncomfortable know….that it’s ok. There’s nothing wrong with divorce. It’s not contagious….and it’s not the end of the world.

There are so many reasons why marriages end….irreconcilable differences, partners who stray, lack of devotion and commitment, dishonesty, or simply just a growing apart.  People change and evolve over a lifetime. Sometimes for the better. Often not.

Whatever it is that causes the dissolution of a marriage is beside the point.  What matters is viewing the event as a chance to move forward….a time for growth, and for being true to oneself.

I watched a short video by Will Smith not long ago regarding the concept of failure that really helped me further develop how I feel about being divorced.  In his video he speaks about how feeling that you are failing is what motivates you to push forward. That it’s not actually failure, rather it is growth.  Without it you remain stagnant. 

Oh how true this is for relationships.  I’ll say it again, just because a relationship fails doesn’t mean YOU failed. It’s just that not all relationships are meant to last.  Not everyone is or stays compatible.  Not everyone can work out the kinks to be happy together, and some things cannot be fixed.

I think the only time the dissolution of a relationship can really be attributed to failure is when one person knowingly, willingly breaks a vow or a promise. Failing to keep their end of the proverbial bargain.  The aftermath then often has the other partner left feeling as if they are somewhat to blame. Could I have done better?  Could I have been or given more?  

No. No. And no.  

The decisions one partner makes, does not make the other a failure. We are never responsible for our partners’ behaviors.  Hard to come to terms with, but true.

Really, at the end of the day, we have just this one life to live and why not spend it happy?  Or at least as happy as possible? And while not all happiness should or can be dependent on a relationship…there is something priceless about knowing that you have a healthy partnership with  your significant other.

No one should ever feel that they need to be a martyr to keep things “together”….and if one partner can’t or won’t meet the other in the middle….the happily ever after will never come.  Not that there really is such a thing as a happily ever after (I can already see the comments coming in on that one!  Just a figure of speech, ok guys?!). 

What I do know from being privy to my parent’s marriage and to my own former marriage is that it is an institution that takes A LOT of work.  Any relationship does, really.  Any one that is successful.

Sometimes one person will pick up the slack, sometimes the other one will. It won’t always be 50-50 but you’ve both got to be team players.  You should be able to trust that when the going gets tough, your person will be by your side. Ride or die. No matter what.  No excuses. 

That’s not always what happens….and whether one person has an affair, or grows apart emotionally, or simply just withdraws and gives up….I guess it’s life’s way of letting you know that maybe, just maybe there’s something better out there for you.  Whether that means you carve out a great life for yourself alone, or you finally find that ever elusive “one”.

Sometimes relationships are simply meant to be a lesson.

A lesson that teaches you what you want or don’t want in a partnership.  What you are willing to compromise, and what you are not willing to sacrifice.  You come out at the other end with a better understanding of yourself and what you deserve….no lesson is a failure.  I tell my kids this every day, and now I’m coming to truly understand this in my own life.

My marriage may have ended, but I didn’t fail at marriage.  Neither did my ex.  We just didn’t have the necessary components to make it last with each other.  It’s a hard thing to come to terms with when you are a perfectionist, like I am.  It’s a hard thing to come to terms with no matter what, actually. 

We don’t enter these commitments thinking there will be an end to them.  Otherwise why bother signing the papers and exchanging vows?  But sometimes there is an end…..and when you accept that with grace and an open heart and mind….who knows what magic awaits? 🙂

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