Breaking Chains: Addiction and Codependence

I tend to write a lot about how to keep your body healthy, but when I started this blog I wanted to also share what I have found helps keep my mind healthy too.  A shot of sanity during this otherwise wild ride we call adulthood.

I can’t feign that I have the answers to perfect health and mental wellness….but I share what I can and hope that it helps someone.  Maybe just a little part of me writes in order to continue on my own journey of healing too.

I think I needed to write today’s post because I’m growing exceedingly tired of the expectations we put on ourselves, and that society puts on us when it comes to dealing with toxic relationships. Be it within our families, our partners, friends, or even co-workers.  So much responsibility, blame, and guilt is placed on us when we decide to move away from situations that are unhealthy….yet breaking the chains of dysfunction is something we owe ourselves beyond all else.

Ariana Grande recently became the victim of backlash from fans of her ex boyfriend, Mac Miller, a young rapper who died of a drug overdose a couple of weeks ago.  In a deluge of ignorance they were blaming her for his death because she broke up with him and had recently become engaged to another man. While I’m not a fan of hers (I’m old), this news both breaks my heart and enrages me.  

This is a girl who had the courage to walk away from a toxic relationship, the type of relationship many others never find the ability to leave.  She could and should never be blamed for the actions he took.  When do we as a society stop blaming people for the actions of others?  When do we stop expecting people to stay in dysfunctional relationships as if they were a duty or a cross to bear?  

She did the right thing. She left.  She figured out she couldn’t help him.  He, sadly, couldn’t help himself.  

No blame. None.

Dysfunctional relationships are nothing new to me.  I was born into that world.  That’s why human psychology has always fascinated me.  I studied it a bit in college but didn’t pursue it as a career, since I wanted simply to understand why my childhood had been what it was.  

I learned as much as I could about NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder), addiction, and co-dependence.  However,  it took me well over two decades to realize that I couldn’t just read and research to understand why people acted the way they did and that, what I needed to do, was break those chains for myself.

I needed to stop playing caretaker and take care of myself.

While I’m no expert at what makes people tick, I have dealt and lived with people who suffer from NPD, as well as some battling addictions.  I can’t say I’m sorry about this, as it’s taught me an intense lesson in self-preservation.  I grew up dealing with and helping a family member with NPD. Later, in my early 20’s,  I met and became close with someone who was battling addiction.  

I found myself once again in a situation where my empathy and co-dependence kicked in at full throttle.  I took it upon myself to help this person get better, all the while losing my own sense of self, happiness, and sanity.  It was a pattern I fell into naturally as it was exactly what I had learned to do as a child with my family member.  

You see, NPD and addiction can be co-morbid. They can exist together in a bizarrely compelling dance. One that draws in even the strongest and most intelligent of people….and one that is very difficult to break out of.

I thought I was doing the right thing. I thought I was helping. I wanted this person to be happy, just like I had always wanted the narcissist in my life to be happy.  This was my normal.  It didn’t feel good, but I didn’t know there could be anything better or different. I wasn’t hurting anyone, but I was hurting myself. I just didn’t realize it while it was happening.  

You see, narcissists and addicts are often attracted to empaths like moth to a flame.  It’s magnetic….and toxic.  It took me a long time to realize that I couldn’t continue with things as they were.  I needed to set boundaries, and find my freedom and my self again.  I learned to say “no”.  I learned to set those boundaries, and I learned to walk away.

Now, unless you’ve dealt with an addict or a narcissist, it’s easy to assume you know what addiction and narcissism are.  Prior to my personal experiences I assumed narcissists were just people who were vain, and spent hours taking bathroom selfies…..think Kardashians.  Wrong (although they can be like that).  I also thought addicts were the junkies and drunks you’d find in a park in any given city. Wrong.  

So often they are intelligent, charming, successful, and engaging.  Addiction also covers far more than drugs and alcohol.  Narcissists don’t actually think they are gods on earth, they are, in fact, very broken people.  We don’t understand these two things at all….but we should.

Very often these people have genuine struggles, and often life histories that truly make you want to lose yourself in helping them put back their pieces….but that’s where the danger lies.  You start working on that puzzle and you soon find there’s no end to it. The only exception to this rule is if the addict or narc is actively engaged in recovery. Thing is, you can’t make them get better or seek treatment. They need to do it on their own, and they need to WANT to, and they will never really want to unless they’re allowed to hit rockbottom….left to their own devices.  There is literally nothing you can say or do to change them. 

I didn’t want to believe that….but the truth is the truth.

My experience with addicts is that, when they do find that desire to recover, they can truly lead happy, prosperous, great lives….but they have to practice recovery on a daily basis. They learn to be of service, they learn gratitude for the moment, they understand life on a deeper level than many others do.  

Some of the most interesting  people I have met are in recovery. I have several close friends who are sober and living beautiful lives because of it.  Unfortunately, others don’t get that lucky.  Different people make different decisions. Some addicts substitute one addiction for another. Some never get clean. Some are addicted just as much to the misery of their lives as they are to their substances. The point being, it is not up to us to enable, take care of, or lead anyone towards recovery.  It’s a path they need to find and go on by themselves.

I think, in essence, when I look back at things I too was an addict of sorts….I was addicted to trying to help, fix, “do the right thing”…..no one could’ve changed my mind. I never listened to warnings. I ignored all the red flags. My recovery came when I hit my own rock bottom…I was running on emotional-empty.  Something had to give.

In my experience, I have found narcissists to be much more difficult and damaging to contend with.  I have found that people with this disorder, if not also afflicted with an addiction, tend to have less chance of recovery and less of a desire for it. 

I have managed after four decades on this planet to disengage as much as possible and to set very hard boundaries with the narc in my life.  I care about her and want her to be well, but allowing her to have an active part in my life was hurting my children and me.  Whilst outwardly loving to my kids, her emotional meltdowns, and threats were not something I could continue having them exposed to.  I could no longer allow myself to feel belittled by her either.

See, most narcissists have a flair for the dramatic. You end up walking on eggshells around them.  They have demands they need fulfilled, and need attention. A lot of it. They want to be entertained. They want to be the center of attention. They want you to take care of them as they play the role of damsel in distress or woe-is-me dude with frightening accuracy.

As long as they have these things they are a delight. This is what they need in order to nurse their usually very broken sense of self worth.  Take any of these things away and you see a dark, unsettling side.  Threats of self-harm, threats to your own wellbeing, meltdowns, drama……not something I could have in my life anymore.  I couldn’t change her…I had to put the brakes on myself.

It was almost habitual for me to fall back into the patterns of trying to save this person….trying to make her happy, make better choices.  I had to stand back and realize I was powerless to change her.  I had to remember everything I had learned during my days studying human psychology that this was how narcs functioned….they pull you in with a never-ending barrage of “poor me’s” and bad decisions. They let you know all of the things that are going wrong with their lives, because they know you’ll want to help them.  If you don’t know better you end up sucked back in trying to “save the day”.  But you can’t.

You can’t save anyone or anything except yourself and the life you want to create.

I knew that I needed to detach with love.  I could care about her, but she would have to stay at arms length.  My sanity depended on it. My kids didn’t deserve the anxiety of it.  I felt guilt and shame….but I had to pull on that inner strength.  Exerting control over my life was all I could do.

I wish I had learned to detach and stop being codependent a lot sooner.  I’d say better late than never, but I think the longer we entertain toxic relationships and people,  the more damage we end up having to take care of, and the more of these people we attract into our lives.  

I like to think I am strong and have good boundaries.  I refuse to be an enabler anymore….but I have a lot of leftover anxiety. Work in progress, I guess. I’m a more guarded person now.  I know the signs to watch for well.  Toxic relationships and people come in all measures and doses. Some worse than others.  Some easier to fall into than others as well.

Warning signs I know to heed now are…

….if you find yourself drained by a person,

….if they create drama,

….if you find yourself always making excuses for their behavior

….if you find you’re blaming yourself or feeling responsible for their behavior

….if they constantly apologize, but never change their actions,

….if you feel like you have to walk on eggshells around them,

….if you feel like you need to “fix” them,

….if they cause you or a loved one anxiety or unease,

….if they threaten you or themselves,

….if they are abusive in any way,

….if they play mind games,

….or make you feel less than,

….if they guilt you (manipulation at its finest),

….if they make you doubt your self worth or sanity,

….if they disrespect you, your loved ones, your property, or your values….

…..any one of these things are signs to run.

Doesn’t matter how nice they may seem when things are going their way. The measure of a person’s character is how they behave when things are NOT going their way.  Remember that.  Everyone needs to take control of their own lives, and we need to stop making excuses for why they won’t. Learn to accept that not everyone that comes into our lives is meant to stay there. Sometimes they are just a lesson. Learn it.  

Be free….and don’t let anyone make you feel bad for doing so.  I live by these words every day….some days are tougher than others, but I know what I need to do and I owe it to my kids and to myself to do so.

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**header photo by Aida L @unsplash