We all hear it all too often. How hard it is to establish new relationships nowadays. How terrible the dating pool has become. How no one knows how to be loyal or committed anymore. Or maybe no one wants to be. You order up a date on an app like you’d order enchiladas from Postmates. It’s weird and impersonal. All of it.
My married friends love hearing about how mad and almost hilarious single life is now compared to “back in the day”. I used to love hearing about it too….until I got divorced and found myself treading those waters. Somehow, between the time I met my ex husband, and the time I got divorced, dating got rewired.
All of a sudden it wasn’t so funny or fun anymore. I found myself meeting a man I later found out was married and expecting a baby, an actor I found out was way-too-young, and an entrepreneur who turned out to have a personality disorder. Great. That was enough to turn me off to the possibility of ever being in a relationship again. If these were the fish left in the sea, then I needed to hightail myself to dry land as fast as possible.
See, the thing is, meeting new people and dating takes a whole new turn and meaning the older you get. It’s not so much looking for the hottest guy or girl to show off at whatever the Club Du Jour is. It’s actually not about that at all. You have zero tolerance or patience for immaturity and mind games. You’ve been through shit, and you don’t want to deal with it again.
More often than not, you are on your own two feet and not looking for anyone to “take care” of you. You want a companion, a partner in crime, an equal. You look for someone who is consistent and knows what they want. You want someone who brings to the table the same values that you do. You know your worth and you want a partner that sees that and appreciates it. You know you’re happy and capable of living on your own, so if you let your guard down, you want it to be for someone who complements your life, not detracts from it.
Your taste becomes ever so much more discerning…and has everything to do with a person’s character, maturity, and level of integrity. Sure, you can’t tell this from a picture online…but then again you’re pretty much guaranteed to not find it in a girl who only posts Snapchat selfies or a guy with pictures of himself downing “bottles” with his bros on his dating profile…..and trust me there are folks well into their 40’s still doing this.
So. Many. Of. Them.
So yeah….the dating pool is a scary place, and gets even more so.
When I first ventured back out into the dating world, I thought for sure the fact that I had kids would make things harder. It didn’t. It actually didn’t seem to bother anyone I spoke to or met. I had a few guys tell me it was actually a good thing because it meant that I was capable of being unselfish and mature….which apparently are rare qualities to find anymore. So it gave me some confidence to move forward…..I was a package deal, with two kids and a dog, but there were men who wouldn’t find that a burden or be scared by it.
Yay me.
The thing is, that after those three bad experiences (which were thankfully short-lived)….I knew I had to proceed with caution. See, dating is hard. Dating nowadays is harder. Dating when you’re older is extremely hard….but dating when you have kids, even if the guys don’t think it’s an issue….is the hardest of all.
Why?
Because everything that affects you, affects your kids. If you’re on an emotional roller coaster, your kids get strapped in right next to you. If your heart gets broken, your kids will suffer. You don’t get to shut down or escape your reality. You have to deal with it head on, while still making dinner, helping with homework, getting everyone ready for school, and working your ass off to pay the bills….and I didn’t know if I had the strength to do that.
I didn’t want my kids to see me fall apart more than they already had in the preceding couple of years. I’d gone through a divorce, lost my dad, and didn’t want or need anything else to go wrong. I didn’t want them to meet or become attached to anyone, unless that person was there to stay….or at least had the potential to.
I got lucky. I won’t bore you with the details…I’ve already blogged about them….but the only guy that I actually went out with more than once after my divorce decided to stick around. I think about all of the horror stories I read and hear about from my single mom groups, and realize how fortunate I am. I think if I hadn’t met him, I would’ve gone back to my original plan of staying single and just focusing on raising my kids.
I’m sure there are many great matches out there…but the time and energy it takes to dig through that haystack is not something I would’ve wanted to do. It was never my forte to begin with. I’m a bit of an introvert, and a lone wolf….and have never needed men or boyfriends to validate me as a woman. The few men I have been in relationships with have always just come out of nowhere.
I’m an old fashioned girl who’s never even toyed with the thought of a fling or one night stand to pass the time or “get over” anyone. It’s just not my bag. I’d rather nap and eat doughnuts. Boring? Maybe….but I make up for it in other ways.
So for all of you saying how much dating sucks now….. I concur. I remember it being so easy and sweet when I was in college…back before social media and screens took over. The 90’s (hear us all sigh collectively and wistfully). Sure there were miscreants of all kinds back then too…but it’s easier to hide that stuff behind filtered pictures and faked-up profiles.
There’s something so nice about making eye contact, giggling with your friends about who likes who, and actually having to work up the nerve to walk up to that person and tell them you want to go out sometime. That stuff is going the way of the dinosaur for us……so I’m glad I got to be a part of it….but I’m also glad that by some algorithmic miracle I met my guy.
So…it can happen….I don’t want those of you reading this to lose hope….but just know that I feel you and how overwhelming it is. If you’re married and reading this….count your blessings. Your husband may fart too much and chew with his mouth open, your wife may nag more than your mother ever did….but you have each other. It’s scary out there. Stick with it.
…and on that note…everyone needs to watch the movie Singles. Just because.
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