Holidays, Rewired.

It’s that time of year again. The holidays. Every super store has been preparing us for it since late summer.  Christmas trees, menorahs, sparkling lights, all of it. What’s left of my inner child loves this time of year, and my own kids’ excitement helps add some cheer…..but it would be a lie to say that holidays are always happy.  For some of us, they aren’t….and we shouldn’t feel guilty about feeling this way.

The holidays can be hard. Very hard.  Whether it’s because of family dysfunction, sharing custody, mourning a loved one whose chair will forever remain empty at the table….it sometimes feels disingenuous to act as if none of that matters. It matters.

It matters a lot.

Especially during this time of year.

We’re expected to smile, be happy, be grateful, hashtag every photo we take with “#blessed”….but that’s not always the reality.  And we don’t need to be reminded of the good things we all still have. Those of us who are “going through it” during the holidays are well aware of the things we should be grateful for.  We are grateful…but that doesn’t always remove the sting.

I overheard my daughter talking to her friends on the phone yesterday….they were all discussing Christmas and family.  During one point in the conversation, one of her friends started talking about how annoying her grandparents were, and my daughter, after a moment of silence, said…”It’s so weird to think about, but I don’t have any grandfathers anymore.”  Tore me up.  She never knew her paternal grandfather as he passed away when my ex husband was a teenager, but she did get to know my dad and he adored her.  This is our third holiday season without him, but we miss him as much as we did that first year after his passing.

I don’t really know where I am going with this blog post, but I guess I just want to reach out and let anyone who reads this and isn’t exactly joyful this time of year know that they aren’t alone.  The expectation may be that we smile, deck the halls, and show good cheer….but it’s ok if we come undone, cry, stay in bed, and turn down invitations to parties.  Maybe we just want to be alone, or with a few close loved ones.  Maybe we don’t even want to put up a tree, or go shopping.  Maybe we’ll still do all of the above just to make things as normal as possible for the kids, or someone else we love…..but the point is, whatever you are feeling is yours to own.  No explanations need to  be given.  The more we are allowed to feel these things deeply and genuinely, the easier it will be to move through and past them. Or so I hope.

If we are allowed time and understanding to cope with the holidays in the way that feels best to us, maybe we can create a new normal.  For me, I still need to get used to sharing my kids with my ex during these special times, and the reality that my dad is gone always hits harder this time of year….but I know it won’t always feel exactly this way.  Perhaps if I can work out how to stop feeling so guilty about being sad or wishing things were different, better, less unsettling, I’ll be able to create new traditions, and compensate in other ways….rewire my holidays. Maybe you will too.

So, to all of you who have a hard time saying “Merry” or “Happy” this time of year….I want to wish you all strength, security, peace, and love….because those are the gifts I think we all really want and need right now.

And may the New Year be kinder, and gentler. 

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header photo by JEShoots @Pexels