I had lunch with two of my favorite women today. I met them when we were all barely out of our teens and modeling in Tokyo and Taipei. Years later, we somehow all ended up moving to LA, and living very similar narratives. Sitting over food overlooking Malibu beach, I realized that these friends of mine were part of a group of amazing women I am blessed to know, aged 40 and over, who are breaking all of the age-rules society has placed on us for generations. So, what else could I do but write this ode to the older woman!
There was a time not too long ago, when women were considered over the hill once they hit their mid 30’s. By the time we became 40 we were supposed to be placing large doilies on our couches and accepting whatever fate we were handed without questions. Our bodies would fall into disrepair, and and so would our dreams. This is not so much the case anymore.
These friends of mine (and I’ll group myself in with them because why not!) are embracing our age while pushing past any limitations previous generations may have felt in their 4th decade of life. We are living healthily, looking younger, rediscovering ourselves, starting new careers and/or business ventures, taking huge risks, finding our voices. We’re taking the proverbial bull by its horns…and it feels great. It used to be thought that only men grew more attractive and interesting with age. Well, guess what? It’s time to see women in that same light.
Many of us have had to start over after divorces. We’ve had to “re-brand” ourselves after just being “wives” or “moms” for years. We’ve had to find new careers and started new relationships…..and we’ve done this with a handful (actually a boatload) of real world, adult responsibilities. Perhaps this is because we are some of the last of generations of men and women who were taught how to be self sufficient. How to have integrity and work ethic.
We weren’t raised on participation trophies and unnecessary praise. We weren’t given the time or allowance to create drama, or throw pity parties. We were raised doing chores, told to dust off our knees and get up when we fell down, and that nobody was going to give us anything for free. Entitlement? Not a word in our vocabulary.
The men we’ve met later in life have appreciated having solid, stable, self made women in their lives. We don’t need to be entertained, taken care of, or saved. We’re mature, game-free, and know what we want out of life. In many cases, we are well traveled, cultured, and educated. We can carry on intellectual conversations and commiserate with anyone of any age on the trappings of adulthood, parenting, politics, and the genetic modification of our society.
We don’t need Instagram husbands taking pictures of every moment we spend together or meal we eat. We’re content minding our own business, taking care of our homes and careers, and pursuing our happiness. We still enjoy a night out or a weekend away on occasion, but love staying in with a glass of wine and good meal more than anything else. Simplicity.
Some of us come with the “baggage” of children. I like to think of it more as a privilege than baggage though. A privilege that has taught us patience, sacrifice, and an unparalleled level of unselfishness and responsibility. One that shows us a world view and opens our hearts and minds in a way nothing else can. An education in the human psyche not attainable in the most lauded of Universities. Plus the fact that our kitchens always have great snacks.
Our friends and co-workers/employers know that we are willing to work hard and take pride in whatever we do. They can count on our loyalty, dedication, and ability to commit. When faced with difficult situations we don’t go silent, walk away, or retreat to a safe space. We use our voices and pull from the critical thinking skills we developed over a lifetime of “tough it out, kiddos” long before helicopter or lawnmower parenting existed. We’ve also learned to cut through the bullshit because we realize that we don’t want to spend the rest of our lives in a state of confusion, insecurity, or despair.
As Will Smith said on his docu-series, Bucket List, once his father died he had the existential awakening that he would inevitably be next, but he was willing to prove that he could still do anything and do it well. We older ones, know this….we stare our mortality in the face every morning when we look in the mirror and see a new line, or a new gray hair. Whatever we choose to do, or whoever we choose to be with can no longer be a waste of time. It’s all or nothing.
We’ve lived through beautiful, exciting, and happy times. We’ve survived losses, heartbreak, and injustices. We’ve gained wisdom from all of it. We’ve become satisfied with who we are, and what we look like. We eat clean because we know and care about what goes into our bodies. We exercise, not to look like the latest influencer, but rather to feel good, strong, and fit. We feel comfortable in our own skin. We don’t care about the opinion of others as much as we used to. We openly accept the gifts of wisdom and patience that come only with age. For my over 40 friends who are now having babies, I see a gratitude and grace that is not always present in younger moms. I also see a powerful push past societal conventions when it comes to fertility and motherhood.
I sit and I think about where I am in life and I think about these amazing women in my tribe and Henry Rollins’ quote comes to mind….“Girls aren’t beautiful. They’re pretty. Beautiful is too heavy a word to assign a girl. Women are beautiful because their faces show that they know they have lost something and picked up something else.” Mr. Rollins has always been a favorite of mine, wordsmith that he is, and this quote could not ring more true. There is no filter or cosmetic product in the world that brings out the true beauty of a woman more than the experiences she has lived and how she has allowed them to mould her.
Ode to the older woman…..we’ve never been stronger, braver, more resilient, or more beautiful (inside and out). Setting examples of strength for our daughters…and our sons. Age truly is but a number…..my number goes up by one in just a few weeks and I’m ready for it. Like a fine wine, ladies….like a very fine wine. 😉
header photo by Marion Michelle @upsplash
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