I didn’t write a Thanksgiving post like all good bloggers are surely expected to. I thought about it for a nanosecond. I honestly did….because I am fully aware that I have plenty to be grateful for. Then I remembered that I just made you all a promise to throw away the politeness and reverence (to a point…I am ME, after all…sigh) and knew that writing a list of all that makes me full of gratitude would be nothing short of toxic positivity….because, yeah, that is a thing.
I understand quantum physics and the laws of attraction as well as anyone who wears the Gen X badge proudly does. I know that what you think, say, do, and “put out there” creates your reality. I also understand that faking happiness is just that….FAKE. Lord knows we have enough of that with our current state of affairs.
I swear if I see one more filtered face, Photoshopped body, or begging-for-viral-praise-gender-reveal-party video (which, btw, are we even supposed to do gender reveal parties anymore…because how does that work now??) I will rapidly displace myself to the furthest reaches of the earth. I am too old for all of this. I cannot stand disingenuous people. I cannot take falsity….so I’m not gonna give you any.
I do not enjoy the holidays anymore. There. I said it. I don’t look forward to them AT ALL. I did as a child. I did when my kids were small….but not any more. This changed the year that I got divorced and subsequently lost my dad. For the past 3-4 years, I have forced myself to “celebrate” and only for my children’s sake. I know I’m not alone in this.
I don’t have a lot of extended family here, so Thanksgiving day does not include the traditional trimmings anymore. As of three years ago, my aunt, uncle, and mom come over for baked goods, tea, and coffee in the morning. We have a few laughs and hugs, then my ex comes and takes the kids and I sit missing. Just missing. I stay away from social media and all of the family pictures and food photography. I am happy for all of you…trust me….I just don’t want to really see it.
I don’t want to see it because when I do, memories of holidays past come flooding. I can close my eyes and distinctly remember how my dad loved his Thanksgiving dinner foods. My mom always had this crazy strict diet for them, so when he got to indulge he looked like a happy little kid who’s just been presented with the biggest piece of cake ever.
I remember his voice, his words, and every minuscule detail of his face. Then I open my eyes and it’s all gone again. Just like the memories of trying to convince my kids that turkey and green bean casserole were actually delicious (when I’ve never been a fan myself). All because I had spent hours cooking it and damn it they better eat it….but at least they were there with me, and now even that parenting moment that sucks the holiday joy out of all of us moms and dads is just a memory. Bah humbug.
I put up the Christmas tree and a few decorations yesterday. I did it for the kids. They don’t have many holidays left as children…so I owe this to them. To be honest, it does all make the house feel full of the cheer I seem to be lacking. So that’s a plus. I’ve finished all of my gift shopping, and I am HASHTAG GRATEFUL about that. Trader Joe’s sells a fantastic smelling Gingerbread candle which I have burning right now, so that makes me happy……but I know that in about three weeks all of those memories will come flooding back and the missing will happen again and I’ll fantasize about taking the kind of long winter’s nap that fast tracks me straight through New Year’s Eve.
…..and I do not want to feel guilty for feeling any of this. I do not want to feel bad about being a Scrooge, or not feeling festive, or not always feeling grateful, cheerful, wonderful, or any other -ful….I want to embrace the fact that I….and so many of us….need to be allowed to have our space held during the holidays. We need to be allowed to grieve, shut ourselves off, become temporarily introverted….whatever. We are bombarded from all sides with the constant push to feel the holiday spirit….well, you know what? The holiday spirit sucks for some of us….and we want you to know that we are ok with this.
Let me backtrack for a second…it’s not that we are ok with feeling like crap during the holidays, but we are trying to accept it and in accepting this we are allowing ourselves to slowly and steadily work our ways out of it. In our own time. Being told to cheer up, be positive, stop feeling sad, focus only on the good things…….will only push us further away or further under.
We want the rest of you to know that we appreciate your caring, and your thoughts (yes even prayers sometimes) but the holidays for so many of us are a time of facing our healing processes head on….and healing does not happen in a linear fashion. It’s always peaks and valleys and contradictions. It will, however, work itself out someday.
I do have to say that creating a new little tradition or “moment” for the holidays can help. It’s why I have my little Thanksgiving mornings with my family before the kids have to go to their dad’s house. It’s not a dinner, so I don’t have to think about my dad’s spot at the table sitting empty yet again. It’s casual and comfortable….and a lot less clean up. I soak it all in for a few hours. It’s good. For Christmas, I’ll have to think of something too…..work in progress.
So let’s all agree that holding space for the holidays should become an actual tradition for those of us who need it. We know what we have that’s good…and we can be grateful for it any time of year. So, if you want to wallow a little in melancholy and memories….know I’m right over here raising my hot toddy in solidarity. We’ve got this.
