Having Kids Will Be Fun, They Said….

I witnessed a moment of parenthood gold the other day after my morning run at the local park. I stopped into the restroom, and heard a dad go in the stall next to mine with what sounded like a toddler and a preschooler. He told the older one to “go ahead and throw up now”, which led to a guttural belching and wrenching sound so loud, it’s as if this little child had morphed into a velociraptor.

The dad, bless his heart, cheered his kid on telling him what a great job he was doing throwing up, when all of a sudden the younger one must have slammed it’s head on something because he started wailing. Dad starts sounding flustered, one kid is screaming, the other kid saying loudly, “Daddy did you hear me throw up? Did you see it?” and then he somehow realizes that one of them has shat their pants and races off with the last bit of his once intact spirit stating, “Hang on we need to get you a diaper from the car!”.

This, my childless friends, is the perfect example of parenting in a nutshell. If you don’t have kids and think this type of thing would never happen to you, then you are better off buying a hamster and calling it good. Trust me. NOTHING and NOBODY prepares you for these moments. The fact that during certain stages of their lives you will live in a constant state of embarrassment, confusion, anxiety, exhaustion, and complete perplexity is just par for the course. Screw that….it’ll be all the time and not certain stages. Difference being at some point you’re not feeling all of that while also covered with snot, poop, urine, and vomit.

Enter the teen years…what I’m in the throes of right now. The teen years are pretty great in some ways. Watching my two grow up into their own people, as they start to pull away and become more independent is pretty damned cool. It’s also heartbreaking, because I know how limited my time is with them….we never really realize that we truly only have 18 summers in total with our kids before they go off to be a part of the world, a part of their friends, a part of themselves…..and they just don’t need you that much anymore.

As typical teens, my kids are in their rooms round the clock or hanging out with their friends. They just don’t need me that much anymore….or at least not like they used to. Unless one of them gets sick, which is rare thank the lord…especially since my son is in training to be a man and you know how men handle illness (insert eye rolls ad nauseam). They have moments of absolute and beautiful redemption which makes me weep tears of pride and joy…and then they turn into hormonally challenged, overly emotional, extra clingy and needy creatures at the drop of a hat. They want my attention and my advice and then ever so graciously let me know that I’m a Boomer and don’t know anything about being a teen in 2020. Ok….maybe they are right….other than the fact that I am a proud Gen Xer and NOT a Boomer. I really have no clue what it’s like to be a teen in 2020. I was lucky to have been one in the 80’s and 90’s…the BEST time ever.

We all had the one family phone stuck to the kitchen wall and maybe another one in our parent’s bedroom (and you never knew if your mom or dad had picked up the receiver and was eavesdropping), we were out riding bikes, climbing trees, hanging out….and now it’s all social media and FaceTime, and online gaming, and doing weird dances to 10 second videos. Blah.

It’s all they know, but man does it add challenges to the parent-hood. We have to be cyber detectives now on top of everything else, to make sure our kids are safe from the online trolls, pervs, and sex trade. We have to coach our kids that whatever they put online stays out there FOREVER even after “deletion”. I mean…imagine if some of the stupid shit we did as kids had ended up online?! There is an entire new world we contend with and somehow have to navigate our kids through without entirely hovering over them. No es facil.

Ok, now that I’m writing this I’m starting to think those days of getting projectile pooped on might actually not have been so bad??? I mean, teens are so easy when it comes to feeling like you have more time to yourself and you can somewhat rationalize and have interesting convos with them….but then there is that whole other crazy world out there and then what about when they go to college or move out and you have NO idea where they are or what they are doing and who with? Writing this is making me want a generous pour of vino and stat.

I don’t even know where I am going with all of this….other than to say this whole business of making babies is something absolutely no one can ever prepare you for. Some of it is hilarious (more so when you are the observer, seriously though), some gut wrenching, crazy making, bank account emptying, spirit crushing, and exhausting. You think you know tired? You don’t have kids? Oh ok. Right. We don’t speak the same language then.

Of course yes, it is a blessing and a miracle and all that great stuff too. I cannot for a second imagine my life without my two, but I also admire people who realize that parenting is not the path for them. They don’t get lost in the sugarcoating of fat baby thighs, and those perfect giggles. They want a life that they can navigate and create in whatever way pleases them the most. Not always an option when you have kids….and quite honestly, with the way the world is heading, I sometimes feel terrible for this generation of littles. A reason a few people I know have decided to not have kids at all….and I know from experience that those people make THE BEST aunts and uncles in the world….and can I tell you what an absolutely massive blessing that is?? It’s amazing. We need more of them.

So yeah, dad at the park…..now that you entered into the parent-hood not once, but twice…..I see you. I feel you. I definitely hear you. I want to tell you it gets better. In increments. In different ways. You’ll sleep more at times. You’ll stop being covered in all the vile things our precious kids produce and somehow release from every orifice on their bodies. You’ll have time to yourself again…..but it will all come at the price of knowing that your nest gets closer to being empty. You will always feel guilty. You will always second guess yourself. You will always worry. We signed up for this….all of us breeders did. It’s glorious and ridiculous all rolled into one.

Think I’ll have that glass of wine now while I make dinner for my two. We’ll sit together at the table and I’ll hear about who left them on read, and who got the latest iPhone and what girl decided to play games and unfriend one of them, and who is posting inappropriate pictures and please God don’t let it be that cute girl that my son is currently talking to…..dinner time with the Gen X/Boomer/Dinosaur/Relic. Maybe I’ll make them watch The Breakfast Club with me afterwards….