The last thing I thought I’d even find after my divorce was a date, much less a boyfriend….and even less so, another husband. For as long as I could remember the narrative in society that I had always heard was that being a single mom immediately made you incredibly undesirable. No one wants to date someone with kids. Oh the “baggage”.
Nothing could have been further from the truth.
To be honest though, I didn’t care about the narrative. I’ve never been a dater and have always been more of a lone wolf, so the prospect of being on my own and raising my kids while rediscovering myself sounded perfectly fine to me. Definitely better than going to a bunch of meet-ups and making small talk. I would’ve rather gone through a root canal. Maybe two.
The fact that I met the man who is now my husband definitely seems fated, and I’ve written about how we met in another blog post aptly called BUMBLED. I wasn’t really searching…but the Universe decided we needed to cross paths, and I am so grateful that we did.
Even though I was mom to to tweens at the time, it did not seem to faze him one bit. He just stepped into our lives so graciously and comfortably that I sometimes wonder how it is that we didn’t meet decades before. I was so worried that after the initial attraction and endorphin-chemical-fire storm was over he would realize what he had gotten into and leave.
He didn’t.
He stuck it out and solidified himself in my life, our lives, even more so.
A few months prior to the pandemic and lockdowns he moved into my tiny old rental house and gave up comfort, space, and privacy to live with us. Once lockdown rolled around and my kids were relegated to staring at their Chromebook screens in lieu of going to school….he stayed. This is a time when even most bio parents (including myself) were ready to run screaming for the hills…but he stuck with it. Every single difficult moment that ensued since then….he’s just been there for me.
He saw me at my worst, and my kids at theirs. He didn’t leave.
He asked me to marry him, instead.
He SEES me. I’m going to write an entire blog post on the importance of being seen. He sees what I do, how hard I work, what I sacrifice to be a good parent, what I bring to the table. He tells me that I’m an amazing mother, often. He does little things that make my life easier, without being asked, all the time.
I truly believe that he could, and probably should, write a book about how to date and (if you choose) marry a single parent…because he has handled this all with a grace and naturalness that I never knew existed…but since he’s a pretty busy guy, I think I’ll write a little guide instead….completely inspired by how he is and how grateful I am for him.
I was lucky enough not to need a guide like this when I set out into the world as a single mom….but maybe this will help someone who is in that part of their adulthood….and this goes for single dads too. There is nothing undesirable about being a single parent….I think the opposite is true, to be honest. Just make sure you don’t settle for the sake of not feeling lonely. Find someone who complements your life…and your kids’ lives. Those “unicorns” exist. Trust me.
So here are some, in my humble opinion, very important things to look for in your partner (or things to BE if you’re the partner to a single parent):
-Look for someone who has their proverbial sh*t together. They have a career, they know how to handle their bills, their appointments, and responsibilities. You’re already a parent and the last thing you need is to have to parent your partner. You don’t need to add one more person’s to-do’s to your list. You don’t need high-maintenance anything or anyone. You need that energy just to drag yourself from one parenthood moment to the next.
-Make sure that they understand their place. As a parent, your kids will always be the priority. While you should always prioritize your spouse if they are the bio parent of your children (or if there is a bio parent missing and the step parent is raising your kids with you). In that case, you want to work together, and support each other so that the kids understand that you are a united front. Kids will always look for the weaker link…believe me. BUT…and this is a big but…the new partner needs to know that they are not at the top of the totem pole. This only causes resentment with the kids, and there really needs to never be an element of “competition” between your partner and your kids. Kids will eventually grow up and leave the nest…your time is limited with them. A true partner will understand this. Make time for both, obviously, but set healthy boundaries.
-Boundaries are a huge one. Your partner needs to respect your quality time with your kids especially if they don’t live with you. If you’re hanging out with your kids, your partner shouldn’t feel the need to constantly check-in, interrupt, or be validated. My kids are with me 5 1/2 days a week and, even then, my husband gives me wide berth to deal with any and every teen angst, homework, relationship advice, funny meme sharing moment my kids may throw my way. He is mature and confident in himself and in our relationship. He honors me for being the present parent that I am. That’s how it has to be.
-Find someone who is on your same page when it comes to interests. If you have kids and can’t travel at the drop of a hat or go for late party nights…because ohmygod it’s exhausting to parent….your partner has to be ok with that. My husband and I love being laid-back and relaxing during our alone time. We’re close in age and lived out our youths to full capacity….so we don’t need that anymore. A little adventure once in a while? Sure! A weekend away when time and finances allow? Absolutely!
Let’s go out every weekend and rage? Nah. Let’s travel every month? Nope.
-Get yourself a partner who SEES you and everything you do. Someone who appreciates what you do, and holds space for you when you need it and who ADDS to your life not detracts from it. Parenting is hard, single parenting is harder…and your partner needs to be a source of support and understanding that you wouldn’t otherwise have. Drama is an instant dealbreaker. What you need now is peace (because your kids ain’t gonna give that to you…they’re not really supposed to, right?!).
-Look for the little things. One of the things I appreciate most about my husband is all of the little things he does for me without ever being asked to. This goes hand-in-hand with being SEEN. He observes what I do and how I do it…and the next thing I know the dishes are put away, the carpets have been vacuumed, he’s made me a meal when I’m too busy to make one for myself. He does these things because he cares…find you someone thoughtful and unselfish. It makes a WORLD of difference.
-Find a partner who understands kids. My husband works with kids so he was naturally able to understand my own and what makes them tick especially now that they are teenagers. He balances me out when I’m deep in the throes of motherly worries and frustration. He gives me perspective and moral support. He doesn’t try to fix my moods because he knows I can handle my own…but he lets me talk his ear off. He shouldn’t have this sort of patience and understanding but he does.
-Understand the meaning of partnership, and then make sure your new significant other does too.
-Choose someone who is able to get along with your ex and doesn’t feel jealous or threatened by their continued presence in your life….you have kids….this is all part of your story, and everyone plays a role in it in one way or another.
-Make sure that your dealbreakers and dealmakers align. Right off the bat. When kids are involved you really don’t want to waste your time or get them involved if the person you’re with is just a “for now”. On that same note….wait a while before you introduce someone new to your kids. Keep your dating life and family life separate until you KNOW. And you will know…..use your instinct (don’t let the hormone-chemical-firestorm take over). You have more than just you to think about now.
-Work on yourself first. A lot. Don’t let the fear of spending the rest of your life alone dictate who you end up with. The odds of staying alone forever are slim (unless you prefer it that way!). I find that when we act out of desperation when it comes to anything in life…even relationships…we don’t end up making the best of choices. Like I said before…when kids are involved…you don’t want to act with little judgement. Sometimes (actually quite often) you meet the right person when you least expect to and when you’re not actually looking.
-Make sure your person makes you laugh. Adulthood can be rough…parenting even more so. Knowing that your other half can have you rolling on the floor with laughter after the worst of days is worth more than gold.
-Find someone that is ok with being uncomfortable and won’t run away from difficult situations or lock themselves in another room when your kids are sick, upset, or freaking out. Or if you are. You need a support system. They don’t need to step in and parent, but they need to show that they are another solid adult in the home. Your kids need to see that. They’ll respect you both for it.
-Believe in each other. There will be challenges other couples may not have, bigger sacrifices to be made, less “freedom” for a while, much bigger responsibilities….but believe that you can both handle these things with grace and compassion for each other. See your single parent partner as so much more than just a “mom” or “wife”….”dad” or “husband”. Take the time to support them in remembering who they were pre-kids and remind them that they can and should still follow their dreams.
I feel like there are million other things I can add to this list, and maybe there will be a part 2 at some point. These are all things I have found in my husband and I know that I am blessed for this….but I also know I deserve it. I know that I bring what he needs in a woman to the table too. We are true partners. I love setting this example for my kids. That’s just the cherry on top.
Being an adult isn’t easy. Parenting isn’t easy. Relationships aren’t easy. All of it takes work. It takes patience…..but anything worth having and keeping will take work and patience….and honestly some people make it seem effortless. Look for that. I actually feel like all of these are qualities you would want in a partner even if you don’t have kids, to be honest.
…..and to all the single moms and dads….you are amazing, you have so much to offer, you are hot, your person is out there….choose wisely….and start writing some beautiful new chapters. 😉
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