The Importance of Being Seen.

It seems like in today’s society, with the never-ending social media push to view and be viewed, we’ve forgotten the importance of being seen. Truly seen.

To be honest, I never really understood this concept until recently. I don’t like being the center of attention, and would rather observe than be observed. I’m a very private person despite the fact that I worked as a model and in commercials for years. I have always been able to separate my private and work lives pretty perfectly. I didn’t understand that being seen would mean so much to me.

You may be wondering why I’m being cryptic or what I mean by “being seen”…so let me explain.

It doesn’t matter how quiet, shy, introverted, or whatever you may be…we all have an innate need to be recognized for who we are and what we bring to the table. I suppose the opposite of being seen is being taken for granted.

Growing up I was never the outgoing one. My mom was extremely social, loud, and the center of attention. I didn’t like that type of spotlight, so I was the wallflower and played that role to a T. I continued this way deep into adulthood never really realizing that a lot of the resentments I developed in relationships revolved around the fact that my partners never “saw me” and I never expected them to.

If I had understood that need to be seen, I may have communicated it better…but I also think we shouldn’t have to ask for something which should come naturally when you truly, deeply care for someone.

I was always the people pleaser, hard worker, put-everyone-else-in-front-of-my-own-needs type. This was my normal even though it didn’t feel right, or good. I didn’t have a problem being the caretaker….in a lot of ways I feel like it’s one of the things I have always done best…but I always felt depleted and somewhat invisible when doing so. Until recently.

I’ve noticed over the past few years that my husband consistently and very naturally sees me. He sees how hard I work, how much I pour into my role as mother, and what I bring to the table as a woman and wife. He tells me how much he admires me, and he tells me often. He observes what I do and how I do it and then takes away some of those tasks from my plate without my asking.

He notices when I’m too busy and stressed to take a moment for a meal, and brings food to my desk. He tells me he can’t believe how much I get done in a day. He thanks me for everything I do. When I make a meal he appreciates it as if some top chef from Nobu were presenting the dish themselves.

It means EVERYTHING to me to be seen how he sees me.

It was impossible to please my mom when I was growing up and so I was never truly seen by the one person who should have seen me the most. My dad did…he always saw and noticed all of my achievements, but his mild and quiet manners were always overshadowed by my mom’s larger than life ways…and words. I wasn’t really seen in most of my relationships growing up either….what we grow up with becomes our normal, after all.

It took me many years….4 plus decades actually…to finally break from that pattern and understand how much I deserved to be seen. I think that understanding is what opened the door to the man I’m married to now coming into my life.

The stress and hard work of parenting and scraping in a paycheck is still there….but I feel appreciated. That’s priceless.

In a day and age when everyone posts every minute of their day online, every meal they eat, every facial expression they make….we need to remember that truly seeing someone has nothing to do with clicking like on a video or adding to their view count, but has everything to do with appreciating the people in your lives.

I believe that more often than not, it’s the strongest people, who are seen the least and need it the most. It’s easy to perceive the warriors in our lives as fully capable and not needing anything to keep going…but that’s far from accurate. Often, it’s the strongest of us who need that confirmation that what we are doing matters and is making a difference…because everyone else just assumes we’re on auto-pilot (which we are) and therefore feel it’s best to stay out of the way (please don’t).

As strong people we need to allow ourselves to be vulnerable, I suppose….let down our guards so that those around realize that we are human. As humans, we need to not forget that our strong friends, partners, kids, co-workers… deserve more too.

I think it can be human nature for most not to appreciate, notice or “see” the people they are surrounded with on a regular basis. I think a lot of relationships fail because of this…not just romantic relationships, but also friendships, and relationships between kids and their parents. We all want to feel like we matter…but we don’t always know how to reciprocate. We need to make a better effort to see what’s right in front of us. Work harder. Be better.

I don’t know why this comes so naturally for my husband, but I know I’m teaching the importance of being seen to my kids….not just by example, but actively teaching them like a Life Hack 101 class in the School of Life. They will know the importance of seeing…and being seen, and hopefully they’ll teach others along the way.

Just to clarify, this isn’t about being needy or wanting attention. I actually can’t stand that type of behavior.

This is all about appreciating who and what you have….and that, my friends, is one of the biggest and most important pieces to the healthy relationship puzzle.

See?

😉

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