As the mother of two teenagers quickly heading into adulthood, I often think about the importance of setting a good example for them when it comes to romantic relationships. The world is heavy, now more so than ever, with bizarre narratives of what relationships should be like and how couples should behave. It’s convoluted and confusing for young minds and hearts…so, as parents, we have to do whatever we can to set things straight.
With social media and dating apps coming at our kids from every angle, the idea that a partner can and should appear like an Amazon Prime delivery has become so normalized that it makes my head spin. The instant gratification of swiping, texting, following, post-liking and the like has turned the slow burn of courtship into something as rare (if not extinct) as an ancient artifact. I hate it.
The advent of these small screens we all have stuck to our hands has also made it overwhelmingly more difficult for the younger generations to know how to properly communicate eye-to-eye, face-to-face, heart-to-heart with anyone….and that just adds to the madness and sadness of it all.
Social media highlight reels throw images into our kids heads of what a relationship needs to look like too…adding insult to injury. Look at the size of the ring he got me. Look at the vacations we are taking. Look at the matching cars we have. Look at how happy we are. Look at us. Look at us. Look at us.
So, I observe and listen and have Socratic seminar type of discussions with my kids about what is healthy and acceptable in a relationship…and what seems normal now, but is far from it.
I also know that I am fortunate to be in a relationship that sets an example of what a healthy, functional marriage should be like, so that my kids see me living my words, my advice. My husband, as I’ve written about before, came into my life and embraced the fact that I was a single mother and that my kids would always and forever be my priority. His maturity, selflessness, thoughtfulness, and calm strength, despite seeing my kids at their absolute worst (and their best, of course!) and seeing me in full blown mom-mode more often than not, is nothing short of admirable. He has never once acted burdened, triggered, or insecure by my role as a mother. In fact, he reminds me of how much he admires me for all that I do. This is love. No fancy rings, gifts, or vacations equate to this. Not even a little.
I mean, the man survived lockdowns in uber-strict Los Angeles in a 900 square foot house with the kids and I….and lockdown with a tween and teen in such close quarters is perhaps the BIGGEST test of a relationship ever. He passed that test with flying colors and made sure to do everything he could to make my life easier without ever once being asked to….and to this day he continues to be a source of strength that I never knew I’d experience in my lifetime.
You see, once I got divorced, I came to the peaceful resignation that I would finish raising my kids on my own and not chase relationships. After one failed flirtationship, I decided it was just not worth my time, effort or frustrations…and honestly I don’t mind being a lone wolf. I knew I certainly wasn’t going to chase anyone for fear of being alone.
The time I did spend alone was time I used to build up parts of myself that had fallen by the wayside over many years of only caring for others (since childhood, really). I met my husband when I was least expecting to meet anyone…and waiting for him was worth every minute. This is what I want my kids to understand…that being alone is ok, there are years ahead, miles to travel, things to learn, and people to meet. There is no need to rush into anything for the sake of having someone next to you….and the old adage that “good things come to those who wait” holds very true when it comes to affairs of the heart.
Rushing into relationships may work in movies, and perhaps in some very rare real-life situations (I won’t discount those stories!)…but in general, it takes time to find the person that clicks in every right way. Someone that adds to your life rather than detracts from it. Someone who understands you and loves you…flaws, quirks and all. Then it takes even more time to really get to know that someone….and if you have kids you can add even more time to discern whether that is a person you want in your children’s lives, or not.
I do wholly believe that there is someone like this out there for everyone…the length of the path to that person varies for everyone, but that’s ok. Perhaps the path has to be longer for some because we have just a bit more inner work to do than others…and again, that’s ok.
In a world where we are also normalizing the need for constant contact with our partners, I am showing my kids that it is healthy and good to have time to yourself and to trust your partner. My generation did not grow up with FaceTime and smartphones…we didn’t feel the need to constantly call, text, or check in with our partners or fall asleep with them over FaceTime, phones propped up on pillows all night long…this is how it is for the young ones now. The insecurities that are bred by being able to immediately get in touch with someone (omg he hasn’t texted me back in 5 minutes!) or see their location is concerning. I see so many younger couples, well into their early 30s, practically stalking each other at all hours of the day and night. I know that kind of behavior would have scared us Gen Xers away back in our day!
My kids observe that my husband and I, both of whom have full plates with our jobs, can be perfectly fine going all day without checking in (I mean that was just normal pre-cell phones but almost unheard of now!). We trust each other, and don’t need constant validation or attention to prove anything. This is another important lesson for them to see and learn from.
The world, society, social media…all of it…has twisted the meaning of love and relationships into something almost unrecognizable for our youth. So, while it adds to my plate of maternal angst, I am hell bent on making sure that I plant as many of the right seeds in my kids’ minds and hearts about what is healthy and acceptable and what boundaries to set so that the relationships they do enter are balanced and good for them. I know they will make mistakes, as we all do….but the expectation setting, reminders, and open dialogue are so essential.
In a culture that values speed and instant gratification, waiting for the right person may seem counterintuitive, but the rewards of patience, self-discovery, and true love far outweigh the temporary pleasures of settling for less. These aren’t easy lessons for a lot of people to digest because it’s certainly not the messaging they are being bombarded with….but they are true. Patience led me to my husband…and him to me, after all! Patience allows us to honor ourselves and the journey towards finding a love that is genuine, deep, and enduring. So, trust in the process, have faith in yourself and what you have to offer, and always remember that the right person is worth every minute of the wait. No need to rush in. Trust me. 🙂
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