The holidays seem to arrive faster and faster every year. Not sure I love what feels like some accelerated quantum leap or wrinkle in time. It gets weird once you hit your 40s because you realize that you actually wish time would slow down. Way down…and a new year being only a stone’s throw away is somehow a brutal reminder that you’re also about to become one year older.
….but I digress….
So, the holidays. Yeah. They are here again and although I’ve written my thoughts on this time of year before, I wanted to sit back down and talk about it a little bit more. It’s therapeutic to put my fingers on the keyboard and my thoughts in writing. Maybe some of you will find it therapeutic to read. I’m sure what I’m about to say is relatable to far too many of us.
This particular brainstorm was brought to me by my teenage daughter. During Thanksgiving, which is a holiday I have never loved, and which I began to love less once my dad passed away, my girl told me that ever since the pandemic she’s been feeling like the holidays have somehow lost their meaning or sense of cheer. This struck me.
See, even though we attempted to keep things as normal and cheery as possible during those two years of lockdown and fear, older kids like mine, could see through the charade. They were well aware that certain people like celebrities and political figures were going on with their lives as normal, while we, the regular folks, were left to cower in fear and isolate isolate isolate. There was great resentment because of that.
The pandemic response was different depending on where you lived, and at the time we were in Los Angeles which had one of the longest lasting and strictest lockdowns in the US. Kids were kept out of school for almost 2 school years and with each moving of the goal post the anxiety and unsettled feelings of “will life ever go back to normal” grew stronger.
This was major for everyone, but what needed to be better understood is, that teenagers, who are already dealing with a dizzying amount of angst, hormones, socio-emotional changes, and the curse of social media, were being thrown for a greater loop. Their development was forced to a halt. Holidays also, inevitably, took a hit.
So, although it gutted me to hear my daughter tell me that she had lost her excitement for the holidays over the pandemic, I totally understood where she was coming from. That time lost for our kids equates to a sense of loss, grief, and mourning. While our brains can differentiate mourning a pet or loved one, or the ending of a relationship, etc. our bodies don’t. We store memories and trauma in our bodies and our emotions and reactions mirror that. It’s not damage easily undone.
Teenagers already naturally move away from wanting to participate in Hallmark movie-esque moments during the holidays even during the best of times. It’s that natural progression from childhood to adulthood that is inevitable and bittersweet for us as parents…..adding in memories of lockdown holidays perhaps accelerated that for some kids. Maybe for some adults as well.
All of this reminds me of the fact that the holidays are already a very difficult time for many of us. Add in the highlight reel culture that social media has created and the holidays become even more disjointed and difficult. Look at this perfect family, this perfectly decorated house, the mountains of expensive gifts, the laughing and happy families (with every parent, grandparent, great grandparent, and ancestor still alive and joining in the festivities). It’s a grotesque and unnatural “keeping up with the Joneses” scenario….only it’s 24/7 and global.
So, teens and, really anyone of any age, can find themselves even more confused as to why they feel a lack of holiday spirit. “Look at all of these people online…they look so perfect and happy. Why can’t I feel that way too?” The pressure to put on your best face forward and fake it becomes immense as well.
I want my kids to know that they don’t have to participate in all of the holiday stuff if they don’t want to. I will still put up decorations and make our home feel cozy and welcoming because I know, deep down inside, that they still like that. If they want to sit in their rooms and talk to their friends or write poems instead of sing carols and drink hot chocolate, I will be ok with that and not take it personally. I will give them the grace of saving space for them on the holidays which is something I have needed myself on more than one occasion. This goes for everyone, really.
Whether you’re getting over the past two years, which wreaked havoc on so many relationships and our mental health, or you are having relationship issues, have lost a friend, family member, pet, or are battling an illness, whether you’ve lost your business or your job or you’re alone in a new town and don’t know anyone….it’s ok to want to take a backseat to the holidays. Zero expectations….except for the expectation to take care of and be kind, and patient with yourself.
Maybe the next holiday season will spark a sense of merriment…but now, right now, just BE. Be however you need to be. No pressure. Put up a tree or don’t. Go holiday shopping or don’t. Send out cards or don’t. Zero judgement. You are most definitely NOT alone in how you feel. There’s a whole village of us, of all ages and walks of life who feel the same way. It’s ok. It’s life and we do the best we can….and that’s enough.
.Just give the same grace to anyone you know who just needs this time of the year to self-reflect and decompress too. There will be brighter years ahead. I feel it.
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