Ok, so I think we can all agree that 2020 is the dumpsterfire of all years, and even though it’s hard (and we’ve got just under 4 months left of it…have mercy on us all)…..we HAVE to find some levity amongst the shitstormery of it all.
Seriously.
So, I’m going to go ahead and skip over telling you how much I despise the concept of distance learning, and how I believe it is affecting our kids in adverse ways….to tell you that it also happens to be National Lampoon funny.
It is.
Distance learning is nothing short of a three ring circus.
If you have kids you can pretty much be guaranteed that distance learning has and will continue to be the end of your privacy as you knew it.
Get ready to say cheese or pull out the popcorn, because this is your life now for the foreseeable future.
You will NEVER EVER be able to walk around the house in your skivvies, because at some point you will end up on camera. It doesn’t matter if your kid is in their room with the door closed and their Zoom session is pointed at the wall….SOMEHOW….seriously SOMEHOW the computer will flip over, the dog or cat will push open the door, and it will all happen simultaneously as you just happen to walk by on your way to take a shower.
I have been on both the receiving and viewing end of this. (Thankfully I wear a bathrobe..but still.)
If you have kids, and they are distance learning….you might as well open an Only Fans account and start making some extra money for their college years.
Your kids, especially the younger ones, will say the darnedest things and may tell ancient family secrets or give away the pin code to your IRA account to their teachers and every kid in class.
You may have to travel long distances to use the bathroom if you are suffering from digestive troubles (please see my post about Activated Charcoal as you may need this now more than ever)….because the odds of explosive diarrhea and it’s accompanying cacophony will inevitably end up as background noise during your kid’s Zoom lecture on the Revolutionary War.
You will find that your kids, especially of the middle and high school variety, will find your mere presence in the house so embarrassing that if you make even the slightest noise they will act as if you’ve destroyed their social life for the next decade.
Please remember that kids ages 11-17 apparently must live on their own, pay all the bills, etc. so please do not enter their rooms to check on them in case their teacher or classmates actually see you.
Oh my God, you are destroying my life, you are SOOOOO EMBARRASSING MOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMM.
If you teach online, you have to give up the dream of teaching in your pajamas because those kids will screenshot you.
Yeah.
I was having a rough morning the other day and thought, hey, just gonna throw my hair up in a messy bun for a tutoring session. Looked fine in the bathroom. Looked fine on camera (or so I thought).
At the end of class I see that a screenshot just got taken….I look in the mirror and realize I just taught Spanish looking like a convicted felon’s meth crazed mugshot. My hair….God know’s how it decided to Medusa its way into that…but now its probably being shared to endless amounts of elementary kids.
It’s ok kids….you’ll grow up and be a stressed out, messy haired, adult someday too.
Distance learning means that for several hours a day, 5 days per week, you are in an Orwellian telescreen reality. There’s nothing you can do about it if your kid is online schooling, so I suppose you might as well embrace it and have a little fun with it.
I suggest dressing in your Sunday’s best. Full pageantry of hair and makeup and having fun with it. Or maybe dig out some old Halloween costumes, or your dad’s vintage leisure suit in case you end up on camera.
This might be the time you can take a little revenge on all the sleepless nights, tantrums, rolling eyeballs and backtalk you’ve had to endure as a parent.
Maybe sing some show tunes on the top of your lungs as you walk by their rooms while they FaceTime their friends. I personally love anything from Jesus Christ Superstar.
Get into a conversation about the Pythagorean Theorem with their math teacher during a breakaway session.
(Actually don’t do anything while they are actually learning because Lord knows the teachers are stressed to the hilt as it is….but you can threaten to and that in itself is pretty damn funny.)
We have to laugh at life in its current reality in one way or another….and this seems to be one of the easiest things to make a mockery of.
We need a laugh, our kids need a laugh, pretty sure their teachers do too.
It’s comedic relief, right? So important in movies and literature….and sooooo much more important in real life.
Just remember not to walk out of the shower in your birthday suit ever again. Ok?
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