I’ve been spending a lot of,umm, interesting moments with my kids lately. Moments of discussion that half shock me, but leave me laughing to myself for hours after the fact. Moments that show me that my kids have no qualms about being honest with me….no matter how much TMI may be involved, or how upset they know they might make me. Moments that make me realize that all of my imperfections as a mom haven’t changed the fact that I am raising some decent human beings……on most days.
My daughter is 12 and my son is 14. These are the ages when kids start to really sugar coat things or just plain hide them from their parents. I know I did! Not so much the two at my homestead though. I hear it all. I hear about the insanely inappropriate things they learn from their classmates….stuff I’ve barely even heard of in my old age. They tell me what makes them nervous, anxious, happy, hopeful, and sad. They are brutally blunt and even more painfully honest. About everything. Too many of the things. So many of the things. Sometimes I wish they’d filter themselves a little because lord, some of what I hear makes me cry tears of desperation for this generation, and maybe being ignorant of it will grace me with a few more years of bliss. But nope. Here’s a truth sandwich mom…and it comes with all the condiments.
They talk to me unabashedly about all the new things their bodies are doing. My son can describe the inner workings of his intestines and those of his friends with the most incredible detail. If there were such thing as a Sommelier of Farts and BMs, he would be at the top of his field. They let me in on every weird thought they may be thinking. Self esteem issues, things that consume and confuse them, and the strange little quirks that make them happy.
Middle school is rough. So much happens to your body and psyche during those years. I remember keeping so much of it to myself….but these two….oh man, these two. No shame in their game with me at all. They text me at random from school or their dad’s house to get my advice, deliver an avalanche of tween/teen angst, or just to tell me “sorry mom, but I just ate a bunch of sugar”. The former would be from my daughter usually. She’s a sugar fiend, and even though she has been filled in since preschool on the evils of the stuff, she loves it….but never keeps that fact hidden from me. Who knows, maybe she just likes to rub it in my face that she gets sugar at her dad’s house….but at least she’s honest about it.
My son attends an after school program every day and sometimes goes off campus to get ice cream or chips with his friends. He always texts me to let me know. He doesn’t have to…..but he does. Then he tells me when he gets back to the school. I can track him on my phone, and so far he’s kept to his word. Unlike his sister, he is not the most academic child. He’s smart and can be very committed when it comes to a class or project he is interested in. Everything else he gives his bare minimum to….but he doesn’t lie about it. He is extremely honest about the amount of work he puts into each class and feels no shame in admitting to his insouciance. While I thought I would end up with two mega nerd, ultra bookworms, I have come to embrace and understand his creative, out-of-the box mind. He knows my expectations, just barely works to get them covered, but hey…..at least he admits it.
My kids know that I have full access to their phones, apps, and email accounts. I don’t check them every day, but I check them often enough. They know that they will get privacy once they can afford to pay for it on their own. Until then, their electronics belong to their dad and I and we can check them at our own discretion. This has led to some eye opening and heartfelt discussions with both of them about the importance of social media/online etiquette, about not posting anything you don’t want following you for the rest of your life, and about the different types of attention people try to get online. They are more mature about their online lives and less narcissistic about it than most adults I know. My daughter has come to me on multiple occasions to tell me about friends who were posting about self harm or sexually explicit topics …..and whose own parents had no idea of what their kids were doing, thinking, or feeling. It’s a disconnect I don’t understand, and am so grateful not to have with my own kids.
I can’t tell you how validating this is to me as a mom. Hugely validating. I’ve always been pretty strict. My two have been raised with a particular set of values, and well defined boundaries. Have I always been consistent? No. Am I the perfect parent? Far from it. Do they push against those rules? Absolutely. I have often wondered if my rules and routines would feel too rigid for them, even though I know how important it is for kids to have a solid foundation and healthy boundaries. They crave it, in fact. However, as all parents do, I have second guessed myself continuously. Yet here I am with kids who feel comfortable enough to tell me things I would’ve never dreamt of talking to my folks about. Maybe because they have witnessed me push through some pretty raw moments and have watched me come undone and put myself back together. I’ve always been honest with them about life. Maybe those things have shown them that I am real….so they can be real with me too.
I have always taught them the importance of being honest, brave, kind, respectful, and thoughtful. They don’t always check off all of those boxes, but do any of us? The honesty thing is huge for me though…especially now that they are older. The things tweens and teens keep from their parents now is so much more than what we kept from our parents. If I can keep my kids this honest, this comfortable with talking to me, then I have won one of parenting’s greatest battles…and I’ll take whatever winning I can get. I like to remind them of a quote that has always resonated with me…..”One lie told can make people doubt every truth you may tell afterwards..” I hope that seed sticks.
This parenting thing is hard. REALLY FREAKING HARD. Kids will test you at every turn. You will doubt your sanity and abilities on a daily basis. You will worry over them from conception until the day you die……but when your kids have moments where they show you that all of that hard work is paying off……that you are leaving behind a decent legacy…..it means EVERYTHING. Even if tomorrow they tell you you’re the meanest parent in the world, and slam doors, or roll their eyes at you….at least you know…deep down….that everything is going to be ok…..and then you go change the WiFi password. 😉
