Yeah, yeah, I know I’ve already waxed and waned poetic about how badly I wish summer would last at least a few weeks longer. I won’t go into another diatribe about the same thing….although now that my kids go back to school on Thursday it’s hard not to.
My son starts high school this year. My daughter heads into her second year of middle school. The reality that in total they only have 6 years of compulsory schooling left has hit me seemingly out of nowhere. Should they decide to move out after graduation to go to college elsewhere or just to forge ahead on a path only they can create for themselves, means that in 6 years I’ll be one of those proverbial empty nesters. Weird. And kind of sad. But also exciting. Exciting because I know that no matter what they choose to do, they will be starting their lives with a sense of freedom you only get the minute you are handed that high school diploma.
You may forever only be a child in the eyes of your parents, but on that day….you become an adult. You get to choose if you want to move out, where you want to go, what you will study, where you will work. The entire freaking world is at your feet. I get emotional just thinking about it. Not just because in barely over a handful of years my kids will be in that position…but also because I remember what it felt like for myself as if it were just yesterday. The sky was the limit. Oh sweet, sweet and fleeting youth…..
Maybe one or both of the kids will choose to stay with their old mom for a few years after graduation. Maybe they won’t. I will be happy for them, whatever they choose. I will also live vicariously through their stories and phone calls and recanting of what they are doing now, then, next, tonight, later.
I guess in a way I will also be acquiring a new sense of freedom. I won’t be a mom in the only sense that I have known since the day they were born. I won’t have to drive anyone here and there, or make sure they are sleeping enough and eating well, and doing all those things we moms do. I guess I will still have the dog to do all that for…damn it….I can’t even write this without the tears pouring because even though these minions of ours give us gray hairs and wrinkles and stress and frustration and sleepless nights…..the truth of the matter is that we want them to be our babies forever, don’t we? We want them to grow strong and independent and to be amazing….but we never stop missing those cuddle-up-on-my-lap-to-read-a-book moments. We never will.
But one thing we will always do….is we will always worry about them. You create another life and you never go back to only worrying about yourself. There will always be something greater than you…of more importance. No matter how far away they live, how old they are, or if they have kids of their own. From the first flutter of a kick to that conversation you will eventually have when your own kid asks what the best anti-wrinkle creams are….it will always, always be about them.
Six more years. And the ironic thing is, that these last years of in-home parenting come with the fact that your kids are feeling that pull towards adulthood already. You see them less. They want to be with their friends, or in their rooms, doors shut. They are starting to build their own worlds, and we aren’t really a major part of them. It’s ok though. We all did it. We just didn’t realize that behind our parents’ smiles, they were breaking down at least a little. Missing us, their babes. Now we get to know what it feels like from the opposite side of life. Someday our littles will too. It’s all a finely crafted choreography….isn’t it.
Six more years. Ok. Here we go. That’s six more years of trying my hardest to deliver two decent, thoughtful, compassionate human beings to the world. Perhaps the hardest form of labor and delivery. But for now, I’m going to force them out of their rooms to go get ice cream…..but then again, if there’s another moment of teen angst/attitude, I may change my mind about all of this and start packing their bags for them instead ha!!
