Last week I became an empty nester. I dropped off my entire heart at college and drove away carrying an inexplicably large amount of pride and grief in my chest.
When I had my kids, I knew immediately that my heart would no longer live inside of me, but rather, it would live inside of them. My world changed the minute they entered it, and every emotion would be so deeply and intrinsically tied into theirs that I had to learn to live with a very new version of myself. Every age and stage of my children’s lives came with their very own challenges and joys. I was tried and tested at every turn with sleeplessness, worries, and a total sacrifice of self. Those moments were rewarded with sloppy baby kisses, milestones being hit, and the often fleeting moments when I would see the seeds I had planted begin to sprout as they got older.
Two years ago I experienced half-empty nesting, when my eldest child, my son, moved away to college for the first time. Pride and grief hit me like a tidal wave, even though he hit the ground running with a smile, a wave, and a “see ya later, mom!”. I struggled with the emotions of my new reality of now being his mom on the sidelines watching him take flight, yet I still had my daughter home for one more year, which allowed me to process everything a little bit better than I am now. Everything is very different now that both of my kids have donned their proverbial wings. There is a void in the house….and I miss the noise, the laughter, and even the arguments (well, maybe I don’t miss those too much!). Nights are the strangest, because there’s no one to say goodnight to…sending a “sleep well” text just doesn’t hit the same. I feel almost useless and as if I have lost a sense of self. Silly things like doing laundry and writing the grocery list punch me in the gut…because why is everything so small now?
….and yet I also find myself in a very odd place emotionally where I haven’t quite been able to process things in the way I did two years ago for my son’s freshman year. His ability to assimilate right off the bat allowed me to focus on feeling all the emotions and working through them. This year, has added anxiety to the mix as my youngest has struggled with homesickness that I wasn’t prepared for. Of the two, she has always been the most excited to go away to college…a fiercely independent and badass little girl turned young woman…and yet she’s the one who has had to baby step her way into adjusting to her new normal. I’ve found myself setting aside my own grieving process to help her with her own processing. I am working through the overwhelm with her. Maybe it’s a blessing in disguise, because without this distraction I don’t know how deep of a hole I might’ve sunk in to. I have found myself crying less this time, because my focus has been on praying that she finds her people, her way, and her comfort. She’s working hard at this, and it makes me proud, but every text notification and ring of the phone has made my heart stop for a second. I want to just fix this for her, but I can’t. I know she will be ok. She knows she will be ok…..but the heart feels what it wants to feel.
As parents, we should be honored and given grace during this massive shift in our lives. We shouldn’t have to feel so alone or misunderstood as we ride these waves. Well intended advice from non-parents of “don’t worry, now it’s time to take care of yourself, it’s not that big of a deal, go travel, don’t obsess/worry so much” just add insult to our wounded hearts. Offering an ear, a hug, and nothing else is often all we really need or want because this feels lonely and overwhelming and confusing and…and….and…
One of my best friends, who has also just dropped her daughter off at college for the first time, told me that we don’t truly honor or respect the process of going from full nest to empty nest as a society, and she’s right. It’s the moment we prepare our kids for their entire lives, but we don’t really get to prepare ourselves for what it will feel like when that day comes. It is beautiful and heartbreaking all at once. Hearts full and nests empty….we enter into a new chapter of our lives wondering where all the years went by and how they vanished into thin air…seemingly. We are brutally thrust into a very different version of ourselves in a world that has suddenly become so very small in order for theirs to become bigger.
Just as we taught our babes to walk, now we learn to take our own small steps into the second or third act of our lives. We watch our grown children learn to walk away from us and run towards their futures from afar and hope they don’t stumble too much. It’s a lot, and it’s hard, and it’s heart wrenching, and it’s incredible, and it’s what we’ve worked so hard for, and it’s what we just weren’t really ready for, and it’s all….so….very….much. So very much, and I know that I will continue to remind myself that these feelings are normal, that things will get easier, that my kids will be just fine, that we are all just finding our way in this great thing called life. One day at a time. One foot forward at a time. Just one.
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