Amongst my daughter’s friends, I’m known as Mama Morayma, and I take this role very seriously. So, today I am speaking from the heart of this alter ego of mine because I wish someone had taken me by the shoulders when I was a young one and shared some wisdom with me like I am about to do with you.
You see, the adage that “time flies” is one of the truest truths in our lives as humans. One moment we are enjoying our youthful glory days, and the next we are thrust into the throes of perimenopause, grasping at the girl who still lives inside of us somewhere, while wondering why we don’t recognize our bodies anymore. It feels cruel and unusual, because no one prepared us for it. With very few exceptions, all of the women in my age range that I have spoken to in the past few years were completely blindsided by peri and midlife in general. They had heard about hot flashes, and not much else. How bad can a hot flash be, after all? Well….it can be bad.
….but I’m not here to give you a diatribe about perimenopausal symptoms. I’ve written about that before. What I want to talk about is how excruciatingly important it is to make choices as a young adult that will allow you to enjoy your 30s and 40s…so that your transition into midlife doesn’t feel as unexpected, and often shocking, as it has felt for so many of us. You see, a lot of us were in survival mode in our 30s and 40s. We may have been in difficult relationships, dealing with divorce, aging family members, coming to terms with our childhoods, and raising kids in a world that feels off and foreign in every way (some of us as single parents with little to no help) all while managing careers, the household, and everything else.
What we didn’t stop to realize is that our 30s and 40s would likely be the last two decades in which we would feel ourselves, hormones still aplenty, and no real need, for the most part, to worry about our health. Now, I will add on a disclaimer (as we all must nowadays lest someone feel the need play advocate for the devil)…I am well aware that it is becoming more common for women to begin their perimenopause journeys in their mid 30s. I also know some women breeze through this change without issues. I do recognize the privilege I had to not enter this phase of life until my late 40s…but no matter at what age this all begins….it’s not an easy transition (for most of us).
What I want all the young girls to know and try to understand is that the decisions they make now can, and will, determine how much they can enjoy their pre-perimenopausal years, so that they don’t wake up one day wishing they had lived, truly lived, more when they still had enough estrogen.
The friends and relationships you choose early on will determine how you spend these years. Choose wisely. Surround yourself with people who are real, who care about you and embrace all of your quirks, and who have their proverbial sh*t together. Don’t fall in love with potential, don’t take on “projects”, and don’t allow anyone in your circle to make you feel like you deserve less than you do. Love yourself. If you don’t know how, learn. Be vulnerable and curious. Curious enough to try and understand what makes you tick and why. If you carry wounds from your childhood, don’t be afraid to ask for help in working through them early. Trust me. Otherwise, your 30s and 40s will be lived in pure survival mode as you unlearn what was handed down to you, and you work on breaking generational curses so your kids don’t have to. Understand that your girlfriends will be your lifeline in midlife. Make sure you make good ones.
Protect your sleep, eat well, and exercise. Cultivate a strong body and mind, because you’ll be able to navigate midlife better if you do. You are creating the mental and physical foundation you will need later in life…NOW. Have fun with it though! Find a job you love (or at least really like) and get really good at it. You never want to rely on anyone for a roof over your head and food on your plate. If you choose to be a mother, try to find balance. Having kids will make you forget your own needs like nothing else will…but you owe it to your kids to stay healthy, and learning to prioritize yourself while simultaneously prioritizing them may sound impossible, but in hindsight it isn’t. I wish I would have known this.
I see how obsessed young girls have become with all things anti-aging. Botox, fillers, and anti-wrinkle serums exist on the wishlists (or credit card statements) of girls as young as 12 (maybe even younger). This breaks my heart. The wish to look eternally 19 is like pissing in the wind. You can’t win this one, and stressing out about how you will look when you’re older just takes away the freedom, energy, and time you should be using to just enjoy the girl you are in the moment. THIS moment. I’ll take a second to remind all the young girls, that what you do to your body now….will surface with a vengeance later. Stop pumping your bodies and faces with toxins in the false hope that you’ll never get wrinkles. All that stuff accumulates in your organs, lymph nodes, and lord knows what else…we have yet to see how this will affect you when you’re old enough to actually get those wrinkles you fear so much. There are worse things than wrinkles.
I spent my 30s and 40s in a personal game of Survivor. No one really knew because I have always been so good at pretending all is well. No one really gave me the little tidbits I needed to know any better when I was younger (and I never thought to ask) so I did what I do best….put myself on the back burner while taking care of everyone and everything but myself. I made the difficult decision to get divorced, I learned to set boundaries with my mother, and I single parented two kids who were entering their tweens and teens as part of a broken family, the massive push to online life, and the Covid years while working three jobs. If that meant not eating, sleeping, or exercising enough, then no big deal, right?…because entering midlife, perimenopause, and menopause seemed a lifetime away…something only “old ladies” dealt with. I had all the time in the world…until I didn’t. This is not a sob story, by the way…it’s a warning. Sometimes, we as the village elders, have to go through things, so that maybe you don’t have to.
I don’t condone being a selfish human….but I do think you have to learn the art of healthy selfishness early on. What I mean by that is, that you have to learn to take care of YOURSELF before you think you can fully care for anyone else. If you’ve been trained to be a people pleaser…unlearn this. Please. This is what you need…not another serum for smooth skin. What you do NOW will determine how you spend your 30s and 40s, and you want those two last decades where your estrogen, testosterone, and progesterone still dance together in the beautiful choreography we so sadly take for granted to be pretty darn great.
Now, I’m not saying you can’t have an amazing and fulfilling life as you head into your 50s, 60s, 70s, and beyond. It is absolutely possible…but it is different. A bit less carefree. Labs will be more of a rollercoaster than they were before…your body, face, and mind won’t always feel recognizable (with or without HRT)….in some ways these years may even be better in that you just don’t care so much about what anyone thinks of you, you find your voice, you may find that you have more time to go back to doing the things you loved before you had kids (waving to my fellow empty nesters), and there’s a certain authenticity you regain as an older woman that is hard to describe in words. The lack of our natural hormones is a b*tch though. I also really miss not having to wear glasses…all. the. time.
So…girls….enjoy your 30s and 40s. (Start getting healthy in your 20s.) Find balance, do what makes you happy, don’t lose yourself in the demands of daily life. This is kind of the last hurrah of being supple and not super worried about lipid panels, thyroid function, bone density, hot flashes, and whatever bizarre symptom comes for a visit and then decides to move in for the long run. This advice may not make your symptoms any lighter, but at least you won’t look back, like I often do, and wonder where the last 20 years went, and why I didn’t allow myself more time to enjoy those years a bit more. Love you all, Mama Morayma
